I recently decided to change the plot of a story I began (and will finish) in TWH, and make it into a more publishable version, intended to actually send this to the printers when it's done.
The story is about a retainer of a Lord of the Isles who is exiled as a traitor after the Lord of the Isles makes an alliance with Clan Campbell, and who later returns to wage war whilst protecting a young Irish princess who is all that is needed to make the otherwise illegal treaty official.
I know that too much dialogue can be at the expense of atmosphere, but I know that it is also very important. I don't really know how to keep the atmosphere whilst using dialogue. This is where I need your suggestions.
The rising winter sun filtered through the broken dawn clouds to fall silver on the argentine face of the Atlantic Ocean. The water was tranquil and quiet, like silk against the rocks, the power of the breakers almost non-existant when compared to what it had been. The fresh, bracing air which followed the last of the winter storms made it the perfect environment for quiet contemplation.
The hard wooden bow of a birlinn powered through the scattered waves, its great square sails taking full advantage of the erratic wind which followed the weather. Its incredible speed was mirrored by its silence, and its shadow fell long across the ocean, indicating Barra on the distant dark horizon, still in the dominion of the fleeing night.
Seonaidh sat in thought near the bow, gazing with tired eyes into the birlinn’s distorted reflection. The sunlight fell patterned on his features, flickering like the birlinn’s sails as clouds danced across the sky.
He was clad in simple attire. A saffron-coloured knee-length leine made solely out of cotton, and a wool plaid cleverly folded in the typical fashion to produce pockets at each side.
He had a downcast and tired countenance, appearing older than his relatively young age. His blue eyes were pale, as was his skin, and his formerly faint and well-kept moustache and stubble covered all of his face below the nose. His loose leine accentuated his physique, despite the fact it was weather-worn and still soaked from spray.
A hand reached across his sight, holding a silver glass of wine in his shadow. He turned his eyes to the person who was holding it, to see a man much older than himself whose name he had learned but forgotten.
But the name was not hard to guess. The man’s appearance gave it away. He was a martial man, wearing ankle-length robes of silver with red trim and gold patterning of interwoven floral designs and geometry. From the rim of his sleeves and the hem emerged the rim and hem of his chainmail.
“Take a sip. We’ll be in Portnalong soon, and there won’t be much time to drink,” Dànaidh MacAodh said, offering the glass. Seonaidh nodded, and took it.
“Tapadh leibh.” Seonaidh thanked the middle-aged lieutenant, although he took no more than what Dànaidh had suggested - a sip - before handing it back. There was a silence for a while, before Dànaidh spoke after passing the drink back to other passengers talking quietly behind him.
“At least the water’s calm.”
“It’s not a wild statement to say that it won’t last, though, is it?” Seonaidh asked, indicating west. Dànaidh glanced around to look for himself, before turning back with a nonchalant smile.
“That looks like it’s the remnants of the storm last night. I do not think it is another one. Come on, is it reasonable to doubt we’ll get another winter storm until the bloody winter?” Seonaidh laughed.
“That seems reasonable. So, are you heading for Portnalong, or are you continuing on after that?”
“Continuing. I might wait for my own transport to arrive in Portnalong, though. This galley will get rather crowded, wouldn’t it?”
“On Skye?” Seonaidh asked, raising his eyebrows as if to say ‘are you serious?’ Dànaidh nodded.
“Well, when we dock on Skye.”
“I can guarantee it. All the foreign nobles and scholars angling for an invitation or transport to the feast will come to Skye as their first port-of-call.”
So, any thoughts?
Oh, and ignore the bits of text in blue, they're really unnecessary
(o o)
(~)
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[This message has been edited by Gallowglass (edited 12-24-2008 @ 03:07 PM).]